Sandman and Ranma 1/2 are copyright to Neil Gaiman and Rumiko Takahasi.
Feel free to repost this sucker, just let me know. You're also free to change the text provided such changes are limited to spelling and grammatical errors. You've also got to mail me a copy of the revisions for my own files ^_-
Effexor entertainment presents
A Prozac production
Ranma: Endless Complications
Written and directed by - Someone who is having far to much fun
Episode the second
"Never give a intersexed divinty to much free time...."
What has come before:
Death comes to everyone. When she came to Ranma Saotome, she accidentally saved his life... and found herself engaged to him due to a surreal interlude in Genma's Childhood.
And this is just the start ....
Genma-panda shifted his sitting position uncomfortably, looking like he was perched on a wasps nest, and lifted his unbroken arm. Raising a sign with poorly written hiragana (even by HIS standards, Panda claws not being renowned as great calligraphic instruments) Genma tried to protest his innocence once more. Too bad no-one was in the mood for apologies or excuses. Ranma deftly swiped the placard and began to browbeat him once again.
Ranma was in no mood for his fathers excuses. his eyes fierce with unexpressed rage, he spoke in a cold harsh whisper.
"Of course it's your fault Pop! It's *always* your goddamn fault!" Even Ranma had his limits, and he also had habits that were hard to break. He began to work his way towards a full bore shout.
"There was Akane, a drunken agreement with Tendo-San, you screw up Ucchan's life, and the there's all the others you've yet to tell us about - so how the hell could you get me engaged AGAIN!" he crescendoed. Kasumi laid a gentle hand on the overwrought youths shoulder, breaking his concentration.
"Ranma, please, you'll wake your iinazuke up."
Ranma actually paused at this. True, he had desire to get engaged again, especially not to the Usher of Souls... although he had to admit this was a complication he hadn't really ever thought about...Even if she was cute. But mostly he paused because he REALLY didn't want to get on Kasumi's bad side. When you thought about Kasumi you came up with ideas of vapid cheerfulness, and placid mothering. What you didn't get was the demonically perverse attacker who had shaved his fathers posterior, tattooed 'kick me' onto it, and then attacked said creature with a broom with nails in it...
Still it was what she had done with it afterwards that was giving the scions of clan Tendo and Saotome pause. They had never thought Kasumi could be so... evil. Nabiki made a note to get rid of her Vlad the Impaler reference works. She'd just have to do that project at the library...
Ranma sighed and looked at the floor. This was just beyond his comprehension. He could fight birdmen, Chinese princes, loony amazons and the perpetually lost and merely chalk it up to really sucky karma, but this exceeded the previous weirdness factor of his life by a long way. Even Jusenkyo looked like a minor fluff in comparison.
Soun LOOKED at Ranma. He looked at the unconscious anthropomorphic personification. He GLARED at Genma. Then, being Soun he started to cry.
"Oh my poor little girl, how will she cope, displaced by Death? WAHHHHHH!"
Ranma relaxed slightly. He'd been worried about the demon head attack that he'd felt he would be receiving, but just for once he'd lucked out. He also had a moment to think about his next move... literally a moment.
"Tadaima!" Called Akane cheerfully from the entranceway, P-Chan held absently in her arms. Ranma panicked. Death might not have killed him, but Akane would! Not even pausing to ponder the absurdity of that last statement he grabbed a mallet, and sent himself into low earth orbit. It would probably hurt less in the long run.
He spent the time until his inevitable rude landing wondering just HOW he'd managed to summon Akane's mallet...
Akane looked at the new hole in the ceiling in some surprise. Not that Ranma had been sent flying, but that he'd volunteered to do the job himself instead of allowing her to speed him on his way. Drawing the one conclusion possible to her, she seized the mallet Ranma had dropped, and sprinted back out of the door, ready to give her errant innazuke the beating he so richly deserved... afterall... if he reacted like this then there had to be some truely appalling story behind it. There was no way she was going to let him think the baka had wormed out of the beating he so richly deserved by running away... Besides, he was fed up with all the chaos and pain he caused - he deserved to feel some of it for once.
Kasumi stared in astonishment at the two new holes in the house, one in the roof, and one in the door that Akane had forgotten to open in her rage. "Oh my..." was all she could weakly offer.
"I'll say," agreed Nabiki grimly, "I'd only budgeted for ONE hole today...." Sighing mentally, Nabiki wondered if the familly finances could stretch to the repairs or if she'd hve to sell more of those unpleasant photo's to Kuno again. It wasn't as if she especially liked taking the photo's, conveniently forgetting the topless photo's of Ranma in his male fom she kept hidden in her wardrobe...
Death woke up, looked at the damage, realised it hadn't been a dream, and passed out again.
Desire is everything you could want, both male and female, to look at it once is to fall instantly in love. You are possessed utterly, painfully to the exclusion of everything else. It is everything you could want. EVERYTHING.
It was also lounging around it's realm barefoot in a pair of jogging bottoms and a Hello Kitty T-shirt. The overall effect was ... Cute. Sickeningly cute. Attractive and unutterably sweet. This suited Desire fine, after all slobbing around the temple of it's body was no fun if all you had to do was simply select clothes... It made the whole pleasure of getting dressed up kinda into a work routine. Desire was far too canny to let a pleasurable activity become a chore.
Lying back on its silk sheet covered heart shaped bed, Desire sipped at a mug of hot chocolate and giggled. Destruction had been right - this would be too much fun....
AD 459, somewhere on the far eastern borders of the Roman Empire
"Well met brother mine," greeted Desire politely to the red haired giant in front of her. They hadn't met in over a hundred years, and Desire found that it almost missed the booming self confident presence of its older brother. Almost.
"Indeed, I haven't seen your ugly mug around in a long time either," grinned Destruction, garbed in the clothing of a soldier in Hanibal's army. Desire bristled, it was all for teasing in it's place, but not aimed at itself! Still that was one of the reasons it was fun to hang around Destruction - he always refused to take anyone or anything too seriously, even going as far as trying to play a practical joke on Destiny... who had chosen to not allow himself to know what was going on, and had received the full benefit of the custard pie that Destruction had helpfully hidden above the door to Destiny's house.
It was also the reason Desire liked it's brother in homeopathic quantities.
"But that's not why you wanted to see me is it?" Guessed Desire shrewdly. Destruction nodded. His little sibling (it was easiest to think of Desire that way), was able to read him almost as well as their older sister... Which coincidentally was why he'd asked the most annoying of his family to met him.
Destruction quirked his lips wryly "And jut how do you know I'm not sickening for the pleasure of your charming company?" He sobered. "It's our Sister..." Desire nodded, they both knew who he meant.
"It's worrying me that she spends all her time alone... she hasn't had a date in three million years... that's just NOT healthy for a body..." He paused and looked up at Desire. Desire twinkled - this could be far too much fun!
"Look, the long and short is that Dream and I had a little talk, then he talked to Delig - ... Delirium, and then I talked to Despair... and basically what we have is a.. Well... we're all going to help out. When we asked Destiny, he said that frankly, he was going to stay out of our way, and that he wouldn't blab."
"So you've twisted our family around your shapely little fingers again then, eh brother?" Glittered Desire. "Well... you wouldn't have come this far without a plan... What do you want ME to do....?" Desire raised an exquisitely shaped eyebrow. Destruction merely looked impassively at the ... his eyes watered.
"Would you *please* stop that?" winced Destruction, his eyes watering painfully. "You know damn fine that it gives me headaches seeing through your glamour's." He sighed, wondering if this really was such good idea...
"No... you know your job, and we know ours. You get to run the show, but if you need any help, we'll provide backup, and do anything you want us to *within reason*...." he trailed off staring very hard at the most twisted of his familly, attempting to reinforce the point by force of will. If he didn't get an agrement... well he would lose Dream's support, the Dream king unwilling to participate until they'd agreed to put a veto on the plan if it crossed certain... barriers.
Desire looked into the burning hamlet below them, its eyes reflecting the carnage and horror down below. Watching till the flames grew low, till the night came and went, till the nomadic raiders who'd destroyed the nameless ruins left, with their meagre stolen treasures on the backs of pack wagons...
Eventually it nodded once.
As much as Desire missed Destruction, it knew that it was glad he'd left them. If he knew exactly how and what it had done to set up Death, he'd throw a tantrum that would make Lucifer's fall look like a playground scuffle.
And that was what made it fun. Leaning back, and sipping its cocoa contentedly, Desire laughed, and laughed.
Death woke and looked about again. Nope, still real. Still a nightmare, worse - she could complain to Dream about those.... Looking at a badly mangled panda stood in the corner trying to avoid moving while it chewed miserably on a bamboo shoot, she glumly realised she was engaged.
She could deal with that. It was what she'd accidentally done to her ... friend? fiancé? well... Ranma was in a whole hell of a lot of trouble now, and it was all her fault.
It promised to be a bigger cock-up than when she'd thoughtlessly allowed her nephew Orpheus to persuade her to make the changes that had allowed him to enter the underworld.
Ranma landed in the park... in the fountain. Even now she had to admit that the situation was kind of funny. Even SHE malleted herself into water. Getting out she removed her top and twisted it until a long sausage shaped piece of cloth was left dripping from both hands.
She looked up, and saw a highly annoyed figure, radiating battle aura wildly, lighting it up until the dusk around them was as bright as noon.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNMMMMAAAAAAA!" Growled Akane.
"eeep." offered Ranma-chan as she spasmodically wrung her top so hard, it tore down the centre, leaving two dry, and exceedingly destroyed pieces of red silk shirt hanging loosely from her clenched hands.
Ranma-Chan found herself on a trip with hammer air lines for the third time that day. Idly she wondered if was due frequent flyer miles...
Akane glared at the fading spot in the sky that HAD been her iinazuke. With an effort of will she calmed somewhat, the glowing aura winking out. She hadn't really meant to hit him, it just happened. Again. She was getting heartily sick of Ranma making her so angry that she would hit first and ask questions later. It wasn't as if she LIKED being so angry that she'd hurt people... it was just that Ranma by his very existence seemed to bring out the very worst of her.
Sighing and concluding that he'd probably deserved it, and that she'd soon enough find out the real story behind today's weirdness. Perhaps when he got back to the dojo he'd be able to explain without making her so mad this time. Akane shouldered her mallet, and set off home, with a jaunty little stride, smiling slightly, whistling tunelessly as she went.
Kho Lohn the elder was sweeping the floor during a quiet moment when Ranma-chan flew through the door, ploughing a furrow twenty feet long with her nose as she slowed from near escape velocity to a more sedate stop. Khu Lohn had to give Son-in-law credit - the furrow was almost perfectly straight, and would have made a good place for sowing seed had it occurred in anything but concrete. A little work and Son in law might be able to turn martial arts into a dual purpose ploughing technique...
Making a mental note to store that thought for later, she picked Ranma out of the furrow, idly dusting her off, and calling for hot water. She wasn't prepared for what happened next.
Leaping at her, and embracing her desperately, son in law did something she had never expected. Begged.
"Please Old Ghoul, you gotta help me! Pops engaged me to Death!" Kho Lohn listened. Oh Son-in-law, you DO have to work on your timing...
Shampoo stood in the doorway of the kitchen glowing with rage, a bucket of hot water negligently held in one hand, a mace, rather more firmly in the other. At the other end of the mace Mousse slowly peeled himself out of the face shaped dent in the weighted ball and slowly slid to the floor, watching the halo of circling ducks in happy bewilderment.
"Ailen get engaged to more stupid womans? Hmmph, not good, more obstacles. Obstacles only good for one thing - Killing!" Idly discarding the damaged mace, and kettle, Shampoo stalked towards the door, pausing to withdraw a sword from the umbrella holder by the door.
Ranma-chan looked sadly at the kettle, which had spilt over the floor, before Shampoo's words hit home. Leaping in front of the Amazon, she began babbling something that the young warior couldn't understand - that she shouldn't attack this new woman because she was death?
"Hmph! stupid womans no match for Xian Pu! Even if have silly name.."
"No Shampoo - ya can't beat her - she's Death - ya couldn't kill her if you tried from now till you were as old as the Ol' Ghoul!" Ranma insisted, trying to penetrate the determination in Shmpoo's eyes. However she hadn't planned on finding the target of Shampoo's rage switch to her.
"Stuipid ailens say Xian Pu can not fight? Is no good warior? You make Xian Pu MAD!" Reaching down, she pulled a small thermos from her apron, and tiped it over herself. Instant cat.
Ranma-chan screamed and bolted, Xian-pu Peko in hot pursuit.
Watching through the wreckage of what had once been her front door Kho Lohn looked sadly at the retreating pair, a half naked girl fleeing a small pink cat. Son-in-law always DID over-react to every little thing. Still she had to hope that she'd heard wrong or that he'd been mistaken. She was older than whole dynasties, the last thing she wanted to do was to remind Death that she was still alive...
Worrying slightly, she started to sweep up the debris, a highly pensive frown crossing her aged features....
Ranma-chan desperately hid behind some garbage cans in the back alley she'd ducked into. Watching carefully she counted off the pursuers as they passed. Kuno, screaming for his pigtailed goddess, Kodachi screaming imprecations at the scarlet haired hussy who had taken her Ranma-Sama, Shampoo (once more human, and once more fully dressed... and how she managed it, wouldn't she like to know!) Mousse, screaming kami knows what, he'd gotten carried away in the moment and was shouting in Chinese....
With a deep sigh of disgust, Ranma-chan dropped the torn halves of her shirt into one of the pails of trash, whilst she performed a spectacular leap over the wall from a standing start. Looking around swiftly, she jumped down into the back yard she overlooked, and grabbed a blouse (icky!) off the line as being the best possible option modesty wise. Lightly dodging the old obaterian who was collecting the clothes before the light went totally, she slipped into the distasteful garment, and leapt back up to the wall, and thence back to her concealed hiding place. With a mental note to come back and pay for the blouse, she finished adjusting her clothing, and resumed her alert pose.
A look both ways convinced her that the coast was clear, and she merged with the shadows, desperately trying to avoid any more insanity. She couldn't figure out how they'd ended up at the Kuno mansion, but once Kuno had gotten a look at his topless dream date, he'd gone even more insane than usual. Being Kuno, he'd begun pursuing her, proclaiming his love at the top of his lungs until a firm jab in the solar plexus had shut him up. Of course the black fruitloop had heard the commotion, and decided to join in.
Fleeing the mansion, she'd discovered that Shampoo had managed to revert to human, and found some clothes, and was still after him... Fleeing again, he'd crossed Mousse's path, and seeing a chance to pound his hated rival into mush, he'd tagged along too. All in all, a pretty normal day actually, but for once Ranma wasn't bouncing back with his normal speed. It was all starting to become a little too predictably perverse. Someone up there just did not like him, and Ranma-chan was becoming heartily sick of the whole fiancee wars...
Spotting the Dojo in the distance, she made towards it... Perhaps she could make it to the roof unseen, and actually have some time to think about today's little disaster in peace. Not that she actually thought it would happen, but hell, stranger things had happened, and quite frequently to him... Her at the moment.
She almost made it, until a blast of hot water changed her back to his preferred form. Looking up he saw a smirking Ryoga leaning casually across the porch, arms crossed, twirling the kettle around his foot in a display of arrogance only slightly milder than Ranma's own usual standard. Just for an instant though, Ranma thought he saw a flash of joy beneath the smirk. Nah, it *had* to be the poor lighting...
"Yo, whassup P-chan?"
"Who's P-chan?! " grated Ryoga, "I wait here to give you a gift an all you can do is mock me?! well, you've cheated death for one last time... I'm gonna pound you flat!" decried the lost boy, kicking the kettle at Ranma, taking advantage of the Ranma's momentary distraction while he dodged the missile to lunge at him.
Ranma desperately backpeddled out of the way, battle aura flashing brightly before contracting down to invisibility, as he began a furious counter attack, weaving around Ryoga's punches, and releasing his own barrage of amaguriken speed punches as he went. Surprisingly more of them hit than usual, instead of angering him as he had planned, the blows seemed to make Ryoga almost happy... Then again, the lost boy could just really want to pound him. The other alternative would be Ryoga had a masochistic streak, and considering how often, and how badly, Ranma beat him it was worthy of consideration.
"Look what the hell is it with today!" He screamed as Ryoga shrugged of the attack and came forwards again, looking almost relieved. "I've had a really!" duck high kick, weave around follow up punch, start spiral, meant to use this on the old ghoul, but now would be a good chance to see if this refinement works... "REALLY bad day! I'm supposed to have - " whoops that one nearly got me, leap over low sweep, accept light punch as opening for snap kick to Ryoga's face, as long as I attack he won't realise what's coming... halfway there..."-been killed! I've been hammered all over, I've been chased, and now I've got another iinazuke, the last thing I need to do is deal with you're pig-headedness P-Chan!!" (Ah ha, thats got his old battle aura going!)
"I said just who the hell are you calling P-Chan?!" screamed Ryoga as he stepped forwards to try and take a last blow at Ranma. Ranma smirked.
"No-one I know *here* P-chan old boy... " (THERE! THAT'S IT! uppercut!)
"HIRYU SHOTEN HA, KAITEI!"
Ryoga looked down at the retreating ground as he span away from it.
"Hmm.. .perhaps I was pushing it a little... I should have waited till he was off guard... " THUMP!
"BWEE! BWEE Buki bwee....bwe..." sighed P-chan as he unerringly landed in the fountain that Ranma had landed in a few short hours ago.
*Damn you Ranma - this is all your fault!* he thought with rueful humour, and more than a little justification for once. Then he looked around for anything he recognised.
"CHARLOTTE!" cried Azusa, returning from skate practise, spotting the cute little pig sat dazedly on the lip of the fountain.
Ryoga resolved to forget the landmarks in future and just trust to luck. He fled as fast as he could, whilst the kooky klepto followed him down the paths of the park. Some days it just didn't pay to be him...
"Bwee!" he yelled as he began the long process of waiting for Azusa's alleged mind to find something else to name... the only way he'd ever found of persuading her to leave him alone.
Ranma sat down on the front yard of the Tendo house, as the last after echoes of the tornado died away. he'd blown his secrecy, he was debating whether to stay and face the music, or run and live when two things happened almost simultaneously. The first was a mallet strike that drove him to his knees. Akane wasn't taking anymore chances about him getting away, and Ranma embedded to his knees in the ground was much less mobile than Ranma on an orbital entry angle.
The second was a concerned arm wrapping itself around his shoulders. He blinked.
Death gave him a slightly worried smile, and pulling him out of the floor, started to walk him back to the Tendo living room. The follow up strike from Akane died aborning, as Akane found her mallet suddenly to heavy for her to lift. Death turned and winked at her, before returning her attention to Ranma. Linking her arm though his, she spoke to the dazed martial artist in a serious tone.
"We need to talk."
end part two
"Hiryu Shoten Ha, Kaitei!" = Dragons heaven blast revised.
Is that fun enough for you...? I'm still debating whether to use the plot device I've thought about, or find something else... otherwise it just gets a little to 3x3 eyes...
Anyway, chases, amazons, idiots, and special attacks! just what a Ranma fic needs
Thanks to the usual people.
Zen-chan, whose really helping me to think through some stuff I need to deal with, Arigato goziemashita Zen-Sama
Mom for abandoning me on a bird park four miles from anywhere so often i started to write in preference to going mad (again :-( )
My cats for sitting on my lap when I'm trying to type, and then attempting to knead their claws into my sides, resulting in much ticklish stuff
My friends on the mailing lists I frequent (you know who you are, thank you all)
Bailesu-sama, for getting me interested in fan fiction at the point where I was getting sick and tired of insipid and pointless sailor moon fics where people simply created new senshi, with no rhyme or reason, or plot, just to make cutesy speeches...
And of course, to the person who invented the pot noodle - snackfood of the gods
um, and that's it, stay tuned cos I'm writing as fast as I can!
Oh yes... and watch out for Ryoga.... thinking! *smiles*
10-04-00